Jaded, sort of. I mean sometimes i feel like bored and just in general not in any particular moment. I got myself a bike and i hike and take pictures but most days i’m just waiting to go back to work which brings me back to being jaded. it’s like because my life has some semblance of emotional balance now i suddenly feel like i’m lacking depth somehow. being content isn’t enough for some reason..it all reminds me of this scene from The Matrix when Neo and Mr Smith are talking about the different versions of the matrix that have existed and how they tried to create a utopia for the humans that were still stuck in there and how it didn’t work because people just didn’t buy it, they wanted the misery and suffering. it kinda feels that way for me too right now and not all the time but it happens, adult hood seems to lack emotional depth in my opinion. or maybe it’s just me comparing it to youth again, it’s all i have to go on about the state of things.
I guess it’s also about the things that make me sad, i’ve gotten on for the most part without any real tragedy in my life, nothing truly terrible. the worst i’ve been through is maybe a couple of heart breaks and disconnecting from my brother..oh and maybe having met the love of my life when i was too young but that’s everyone right. plus i’m not even sure if i believe in that love of your life stuff anyway so i don’t think that counts. my search for/creating meaning and purpose is what my life is currently about and not much else, seems so boring and just old peopley right. my peers right now are juggling careers and having families or trying to be famous or travelling while i on the other hand am struggling to become a more curious and creative human which is hard if i feel like i’m lacking emotional depth.
the only thing i’d write about is maybe the search for Creator or about the anguish of living in a world whose secrets are untethering everything we thought we knew about the powers that govern this place, or how out of time and place i feel most of the time, or maybe about how i think we’re becoming so much more plastic and virtual, people pretending to be the people who pretend to be other people but get paid millions of dollars to do it. and no judgement on that too, but its just frustrating feeling like the other things i care about aren’t things people are really into so i have no one to talk to about any of it really. i mean, how’s life for everyone for else yano. i think most people don’t really think about it as much they just kinda go through it maybe, i don’t really know hey. everytime i’ve tried to bring it up people just say deeeeep and laugh it off so yeah.
i just realised one of the reasons i miss khan so much is because she’s only other person who thought like me, we’d sit up all night unpacking life and what it all meant at least once per month. those moments are one of the most precious posessions i own now, i want to rekindle the friendship but i’m afraid she’ll not want to or even worse not want to but not be able to tell me that she doesn’t want to which would lead to some awkward exchange that’ll leave me ruined for the rest of my days..well she could be missing me too i guess but it’s best to expect the worst i think. just in case. anyway, other things i might write about would probably be about being a bit awkward at times but being black as well, people expect all black people to live up to their expectations of being ultra cool or sassy or some shit and i just don’t fall into that catergory.
Sooo love huh??hmm,ok. so i have this theory i heard about when i was younger and somewhat curious about life and how i should live it and understand it..still there by the way..and i heard this quote by some guy where he talks about the gap between how you want life to be and how it actually turns out and I think that that’s what we’ve done to a lot of things but particularly love though. I mean how many love songs and movies and books are there that constantly inform our idea of what we think this thing is or what it could or does mean? That’s the thing though isn’t it, that we’ve let society or our parents or our peers decide for us what it means..which leads me then to question is it even real?does it even exist as we currently imagine it? Is it a gap situation all over again?
My thing about being here and life-ing, if you will, is that we are first and foremost humans doing this human ‘being here’ thing without any reeeeaal instructions. I mean we’re told ‘this’ is how it’s supposed to be or this is what we’re supposed to feel or do or read or be but in reality nobody really knows what to do here or about being here or how to proceed. We’re all just following each other blindly assuming and hoping we’re going the right way but we don’t know though do we.
So anyway, my thing is all about finding genuine human connections with people. That to me is what I understand love to be, and of course there’s a part of me that wants the swooning,palms sweaty, knees shaking, butterflies sorta feeling that slowly turns into..the stuff romcoms are made of??yeah, i’d love to have that if it was fucking real, hey i’ve been consuming this media for the better half of my life so it’s still taking some time to unlearn all those stereotypes about what love is ok so cut me some slack right.
I think there’s more to the whole thing though, and I think it begins with this human connection thing I was talking about because that itself is about finding someone you can share your experiences with who can empathise and try to understand who you’ve become from those experiences and how they’ve changed or are changing you. Someone you can grow with as you grow into yourself and your ideas about everything, someone who can teach you things that you cannot teach yourself, like how to be loved and let yourself be cared for and appreciated.. and so much more. I mean i’m in a relationship now and iiiiiit’s been interesting to say the least. more on that later though,way more. i actually wrote the top stuff some months ago so a catch up is probably long over due.
Ok so after my whole realization that I’m asexual or really more specifically a homo romantic demisexual i still somehow don’t really miss the whole relationship thing..i mean like i’ve been saying we’re doing it wrong,as in something about the way relationships are done these days just makes me uneasy and slightly jaded to be honest. anyway i’ve spoken about that at length before so i won’t get into it now but what i wanted to talk about today is the stupid shit that i do miss: besides the scent of the one you’re with i think the more immediate thing i miss is simply touch. and i’m a tactile human so any physical contact just sends me into outer space particularly if you feel the same way that i do and i’m aware of that yano.
i had my usual crush of the week, month or whatever and all i could think about when i was home was how much i miss the intimacy of an innocent kiss on the neck or the side of the lip or the ease of intertwined hands and just playing with their hands or hair, face touches and toe tingles..all that shit man. i’ve always marvelled at how we dismiss that side of getting to know someone as adults, like we’re told that the minute you reach the sexual age that that’s pretty much the most important aspect of the relationship but i of course disagree and i did so before the asexual thing or maybe because of it..i’m not so sure now but to me that shit is the stuff that keeps you up at night after the break up but it’s also the shit you can’t really explain to someone unless they’ve been there with you. it’s this makeup land that you and your partner both create and inhabitate without interruptions or society telling you how to show your affection. even boys/men in this space are allowed to really get into intimacy without compromising their oh so fragile masculinity.
i don’t know man, sometimes i think i’m crazy or something. touch is one of the most beautiful things about being with someone, i mean ever ‘accidentally’ graze a crushes hand or have their proximity like physically affect your breath and you get that fight or flight adrenalin making you shake type of feeling??i mean cumon, is that not the scariest, most amazing feeling ever? and then we’re told to cheapen it because sex is what’s important..nah bruh, i just don’t buy it hey. my experience has taught me different and one thing being an adult has taught me is that my experience is golden, it is the truth of me and everything i do and see and feel.it all comes from that experience.
so anyway ever store someone in your head, not for sexual gratification or anything but just to i don’t know have them close to you or something. like for me sometimes i wish it was more acceptable to stare at people in public without having to hide it yano. i mean some folks are soooo freakin beautiful that you just literally wanna stop and stare just to watch how they smile and laugh with a dimple or how they their skin glistens in the light that makes the tiny hairs on their forearms glow gold. how the lines of their hands form patterns and feel the palm of their hands in yours,is it warm, is it smooth and soft or coarse and hard, sit and marvel at the curl of their hair at the base of their necks or their temples or the shape of their eyebrows and the color and size of their eyes and pupils or how they talk with their hands and most importantly how they talk to you and the people around you or how they dress or carry themselves or how thin their smile looks when they’re in a bad mood or sad or something..i mean i wanted to take up photography and i can’t figure out how to photograph these things without seeming like a pervert or a weirdo or at the very least pretty boring or cliched yano.
i mean is it possible to be in a relationship with someone without beeeing with them as in they can be in a normal stable whatever or not even but you guys are then talking and playing hands and enjoying the smell and touch of each other, innocently and without any further intention to become anything other than what you guys are at that current moment. there’s no jealousy or awkwardness or sexiness and not just a intellectual or emotional connection but a SENSUAL appreciation of what it means being in each others company right now. its nothing more or less than that and if it is then obviously you have to yano say because it’s one of those spaces that is absolutely sacred and completely based in truthfulness and honesty.always,ALWAYS in honesty because that’s where trust is built..i mean am i crazy for crushing in this way?for wanting this for not only myself but for everyone else as well? it seems like such a genuine way to show your affection and appreciation for someone yano. does that even exist anymore, is it even a thing to see someone as other than a sexual object or conquest these days? i don’t know, maybe the whole asexual slash demisexual thing that’s happening now is just consciousnesses way of balancing all this sexual riff raff that’s been happening for the past couple of centuries hey. that’s just like a random thought i guess, there is no ‘why’ with these things though is there. i only hope i’m not the only one who sees this and if i am weeeell then maybe i’m here to educate some folks about the deeper shit that can happen if people can just stop gaming for like a second yano.
so i was watching this movie with adrien brody in it and when this girl tries to come into his life he tells her that he’s a non-person,he’s not here..”you may see me but i’m hollow” he says.and when i first heard that it was like when you hear music lyrics that you can relate to on what seems like every level of your being.i have a sadness in me that won’t leave me alone,i’ve realised now that i’ve been writing about it for years and years now.much more over the past two years.only because it feels like ever since i moved to cape town i’ve slowly lost myself or some very important part of me that loved life and being alive and exploring what it means to be here and to be human.it’s not about cape town so much as about adulthood and working for the man and realising that there aren’t many places to go at this point and feeling stuck or coming to terms with the fact that myself and everyone i know have to work and usually for peanuts to pay off bills and we only get two days out of seven to truly do what we want to be doing but other than that it’s back to the grind and a grind that we’re stuck in for the rest of our natural lives.and look if you’re lucky enough to be doing what you love then good for you hey,we don’t wanna fucking hear about it though but that shit’s for the movies.for the rest of us:we’ll be doing this shit til we’re dead, i mean if that doesn’t depress you then you’re far stronger than i am.
for the first time in my life i finally know what true anguish and despair feels like.i don’t know,life has kinda broken my heart to be honest.i’ve always been hopeful that the world isn’t this dark place where everyone just cares only from themselves and the poor steal from the poorer and the rich turn a blind eye to anything outside of their own comfort,where it’s a crime to live in a bubble and in your own zone because it makes you a target.you can’t be naive or vulnerable out here otherwise the blade only cuts deeper into the soft flesh..being human is quite terrible actually,i hate it so much here.i honestly don’t know how anyone can stand the disloyalty and backstabbing and dishonestly,nobody says what they mean and they keep their intentions impure.i’ve met good people to be fair but it seems like the vast majority are judgemental and mean spirited.being here drains me and it only seems to get worse.and i knoooow it sounds like i’m being dramatic but the feelings they are so much deeper and darker and scarier than i’m making them out to seem right now.the suicidal thoughts are never far and sometimes,no most times i wake up with this awful feeling of dread everyday because this is all there is.we’ve created an ugly place where you have to freakin hunt for the good stuff and the beauty because everything else is just..i mean is this all there is??
yano i was just reading some of the stuff i’ve recently been writing and it’s nowhere near as happy and upbeat as early twenty fourteen,and nowhere close to my sweet spot.if anything i feel like my stuff has gotten darker somewhat, and i mean twenty fourteen was really a very terrible year.the beginning started off well but the rest just left me hanging.and having come out on the other side of it i honestly feel like i’ve never been so afraid of myself before.see i’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder and ever since i feel like i’m walking on eggshells whenever i get too emotional or let my emotions kinda swallow me up.it’s like if i’m in a good mood i have to make sure i don’t get too high because the crash really sucks and i can never get too low as well otherwise,well i’d probably kill myself.and yes it’s gets that bad,i have suicidal thoughts on a weekly basis.those thoughts have become like an old friend and the feeling that accompanies them,this dull emptiness of an ache is like this cloud that’s constantly hanging over everything i do and am.and it’s not like i feel like this ALL the time yano but when i do,i reeeeeaally do and i am in it.the next couple of posts are probably gonna be heavy,which is a side of myself i never really share with anyone.it feels like such an intimate part of myself and even the idea of putting it here makes me hesitant but why not right?i need my future self to get the full picture not just the pretty version.plus talking or writing about it helps.like alot.
and suddenly i feel unbrave,
my skin somewhat unlived.
as though this heart of mine
is a broken clock and my minds worlds
under permanent construction.
jaded and dazed,
days and weeks all look the same.
where did the magic go?
where did the ‘how’ of it all
fade to black
and grey tender sinews of time
stuck on a loop of neverending
forevers,creaking and cracking into
tomorrows turned to yester years.
why must the empty space fill up
more of the universe than the
sweet,sweet adventure of just BE-ing
and of the purest joy and the
tenderest of love’s gentle touch.
i’m a mere ghost,just a shadow
of a faded memory creased at the seams.
burdened with all of the worlds
So there’s this visana or core issue i’ve been clearing lately.firstly let me just explain that i’m a huge believer in conscious evolution,in reaching for enlightenment and union with Creator. that for me is the ultimate purpose of life and the way i go about it is by being or becoming someone who consciously is trying to become better:better than i was yesterday,better than my past failures or hurts or negative thoughts and feelings.better than everything about me that’s ever made me feel less or inadequate yano.and so that involves getting really into myself, being able to be honest and open about who i am right now.being able to be compassionate about the things i hate and humble about the things that i love,being able to let go of shit yano,shit that made me angry or sad or ashamed or whatever.all the negative shit that bogs us down man.and so i consciously aim to release these things,it’s painful but necessary and it works.it works really well.that’s my secret:people always say i seem like a free spirit and light hearted and i look that way because i really truly am.i’ve cleared so much stuff and trauma and fears from my youth,i’ve managed to root out most of the terrible conditioning we go through when we’re growing up that often turns us into adults with yano trust issues or having the fear of being vulnerable or believing we’re not strong enough or good enough or smart enough or stuff that makes us ashamed or something yano. i mean look there’s no right way to live life or to be alive and be here yano but for me this works:i’m really really good at being someone i love and admire,someone with a sincere passion for life,for the human body,for nature and music and art and love and all the things that make life seriously sweet and worth living yano.granted it’s not a walk in the park all the time,but there’s a sweet spot right in the middle there that feels like how i imagine flying feels like maybe yano.it’s beautiful and quiet and so loving,it’s like this space that loves me so unconditionally and it teaches to love myself and the people around me the same way yano.
anyway so a core issue then is like a seriously strong emotional trauma or..hmm trauma’s a strong word,it’s more of an emotional blockage from one’s past that then makes them act in a certain way in the present.so for example, i have adhd right and i went undiagnosed til i was about like 22 or something right.and so i grew up kinda absent minded,super impulsive with no absolutely sense filter or sense of register,i spoke to everyone exactly the same whehter you were a friend or a teacher or a lover yano,i was easily distracted with energy to spare,and so i was constantly being chastised and kinda told to sit still or be quiet or or shut up or bullied purely for being myself,and so eventually all that negative conditioning kinda made me hate myself and i ended up chastising myself then for being me as well yano, the way people were treating was inadvertedly teaching me how to treat myself and i mean none of this was conscious,i didn’t know any of this at the time of course.but after a great deal of crying and really good book,i let that part of myself go.i forgave myself for seeing myself the way the adults in my life had seen me,i forgave myself for believing all the stuff i’d ever been told by people that made me feel less and ashamed and shit yano.so when you release that stuff it feels like starting a new chapter in the book called Your Life,it’s so freeing to be able to let stuff like that go yano.and i mean talking about now it almost feels like i’m talking about someone else,like this was someone else’s experience,someone else’s pain.and in a way it is,we change as much as the world around us yano.we’re not the same people we were last year or last month or whatever yano,we’re like the seed that becomes the tree that sheds it’s skin every winter and is reborn afresh in spring.we may look the same on the outside but on the inside we’re learning more about ourselves,our desires and fears,our preferences and hopes.it’s pretty cool actually.and the whole thing is turning me into a marshmellow i swear,hehe.
gosh what a tangent,guess i’ll get into the issue later then.